From the Inbox: Couples Who Disagree Politically Tell Us How They Stay Together

Politics seeps into everything now, and if you’re dating or married to someone who votes differently from you, it can feel impossible to navigate.

Some couples can’t make it work. A 5,000-person survey found that one in six Americans has ended or considered ending a relationship because of political differences.

But others have figured out how to love someone whose ballot looks nothing like theirs without losing themselves in the process.

In honor of Valentine’s Day, we recently asked readers with different political views how they make it work and fielded hundreds of replies. Here are some of our favorites.

Mutual Respect and Understanding

“Mutual respect and understanding that there is more than one point of view. Understanding that we personally are not going to change the world of politics, so we’re more important to each other than political arguments are to either of us.” — Thomas B.

Comparing Feeds

“We compare our feeds to see what the algorithms are telling us differently. It’s shocking! Two different versions of news.” — Judy B.

Morals and Ethics

“My husband and I have some different views on politics, but our morals and ethics line up perfectly. Those things are different from politics, and that difference matters.” — Amanda H.

A Truce

“We were politically aligned until 2016. The past ten years have been very hard. However, we have come to a working truce within the last few months. I think we both were getting tired of the tension and angst.” — Zoe M.

Remembering the Things We Like About Each Other

“Ask questions. Listen. Exercise a little humility. Don’t assume that my point of view is the ‘correct’ one. Resist the impulse to assign bad intent to my husband’s viewpoint when we disagree. Taking a break from tough conversations when we need to. Naming and rejecting logical fallacies when we see them. Remembering the things we like about each other. Finding the many, many beliefs and perspectives we hold in common and acting on them. This last one has been huge.” — Heidi F.

Trust

“My husband and I came from families of differing political views. We met in college at a time when politics wasn’t a thing that kept anyone apart. Over more than 40 years, we would occasionally debate the merits of a candidate or party and certainly cancelled each other’s votes on occasion, but also knew and trusted each other’s reasons. Eventually, we changed over the years and our respective parties changed. Now we’re nearly identical in political views but have no viable party that would claim us, and so we vote for national candidates who meet OUR standards and we pay very close attention to local and state elections.” — Theresa K.

Realizing We’re Both Victims of Radicalization

“We realized that we had both been victims of radicalization from social media at one time or another. Today, we make efforts and try to live in a mindset that often both sides of any problem live together at varying degrees.” — Pamela B.

Understanding We Both Want the Best

“I know my husband well enough to know that he wants good things, just like I do. It’s only our method of getting there that differs. So I trust (and I see) that he isn’t just voting party lines, he is researching and thinking and trying to understand just like I am. We simply came to different conclusions and we allow each other that space.” — Marisa F.

Knowing We Are Stronger Together

“We don’t. But we’ ve been married so long (forty years today, actually) we are just used to each other. We agree to disagree. He goes his way and I go mine, but we know we are stronger together.” — Mikelyn C.

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