Ask a Builder: 4 Tips for Tackling Tough Conversations Over Mother’s Day Brunch

We’re launching “Ask a Builder” — a new advice column to hear from you about your challenges and how you can address them as a Builder!

With Mother’s Day just days away, we’re starting with this note we received from one Builder mom:

“As a mother and stepmother of 4 girls and grandmother to 13 children, my heart breaks when I think of the division and separation that exists in our family.  People have drawn lines in the sand and taken the approach of ‘if you are not with me, then you are against me’.  When this perspective can cause divides in a family, it doesn’t take long to divide a community, a country and then the world.  We have got to come to the middle and work TOGETHER.

What can I do to start bridging the divides in my own family when we come together this Mother’s Day? Thank you, “Mom stuck in the middle” 

Dear Mom Stuck in the Middle,

You didn’t raise your family to think exactly like you. You raised them to think. And now they do — loudly, confidently, and sometimes across a divide that didn’t used to be there.

If you’ve felt that distance growing, you’re not alone. When the people we love most draw lines in the sand, it doesn’t just hurt. It frightens us. But you know something the loudest voices in the room tend to forget: the middle is not weakness.

Coming together takes more strength than walking away. And the fact that you’re still showing up and want to find a way back together matters more than you know. Here are four tools to help you stay connected to your kids and grandkids, even when you all don’t see eye to eye — based on the Builders four C’s. 

1. Ask questions with real curiosity

You already know how to ask questions. You’ve been doing it since your kids were old enough to talk. The trick now is to ask them without an agenda attached.

Instead of saying “How can you possibly believe that?” ask “When did you start thinking about it this way?” Trade corrections like “Did you read about what actually happened?” to wondering “What have you read about what happened?”

All of us, no matter our age, can tell the difference between a question that’s really a lecture and a question that actually wants an answer. Lead with the second kind. You might be surprised what you learn. We’ve all had unique experiences out in the world, and life may have handed your family members some things you didn’t expect. Get curious about that, before you get concerned about it.

2. Create shared compassion by leading with stories

Here’s something you have that no statistic can compete with: a life full of stories. Use them.

When the conversation starts to heat up, resist the urge to cite facts or correct the record. Instead, try: “Can I tell you what this issue has looked like from where I’ve stood?” Or ask them: “What happened that made this feel so important to you?”

Stories open doors that arguments keep closed. When you share the experiences that shaped your views, you’re not just making a case. You’re inviting a loved one into your life in a way that a debate never could. And when they share their stories back, you’re not just hearing an opinion. You’re hearing who they’ve become. That’s worth a lot more than winning the argument.

3. Use your creativity to find common ground

When you’re stuck on opposite sides of an issue, try getting creative about the question itself.

The daughter who is furious about the state of the environment and the son who thinks the regulations go too far probably both want clean air for their own kids. The grandchild marching in protests and the one rolling their eyes at the whole thing probably both believe in fairness — they’re just applying it differently.

Instead of debating the policy, try reframing the conversation: “What outcome do you actually want? What does a good future look like to you?” Finding common ground isn’t about splitting the difference or pretending disagreements aren’t real. It’s about getting imaginative enough to find the shared hope underneath, and deciding to build from there instead of widening the divide.

4. Have the courage to change your mind — out loud

This is the one that might surprise your family the most. And it might be the most important thing you can model for them.

If something they say genuinely shifts your thinking — even a little — tell them. “I hadn’t considered it from that angle.” “That actually changes something for me.” You don’t have to agree with everything. But being willing to be moved by others is one of the most powerful things we can do. It shows that conversations with you are worth having, that you’re not just waiting for your turn to talk.

Changing your mind isn’t weakness. It’s what growth looks like from the outside. And if there’s one thing you’ve always wanted to show your kids, it’s that growing doesn’t stop at any particular age.

You’ve spent years teaching them how to be in the world. How to be kind when it’s hard. How to stay in the room when they want to leave. How to love someone even when they’re frustrating.

Turns out, that’s exactly what this takes. You’ve been preparing for this conversation your whole life.

Happy Mother’s Day, mom.

—Builders Editorial

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