7 Questions to Ask Someone You Disagree With

By Alex Buscemi, Editorial Manager at Builders | 4 min read

Let's be honest about what we want when we get into an argument with someone.

We don't want to understand them. We want to win. We want the perfect comeback, the mic-drop fact, the moment their face falls because they realize — finally — that we were right all along and they were a fool for ever thinking otherwise. We've all rehearsed that speech in the shower. We've all delivered it flawlessly to an imaginary opponent who, conveniently, has no rebuttal.

Here's the problem. That moment never comes. Nobody in the history of the world has ever been insulted into changing their mind. You can be the most correct person at the entire dinner table and still lose every single heart in the room, because being right and understanding someone are two completely different skills — and we spend almost all our energy on the first one.

So here's a different move. Instead of trying to land the knockout, get curious. Ask a real question and then actually listen to the answer. 

Here are seven questions to start with.

1. What made you start thinking that way?

People don't arrive at their beliefs by accident. There's usually a story. An experience, a person, a moment that flipped a switch. Asking for that story does two things: it tells you where the belief actually comes from (which is rarely what you assumed), and it reminds you that you're talking to a human being.

2. Why is this issue important to you?

Underneath almost every position is a value, and values are something we often share. Someone might land in a wildly different place than you on policy while caring about the exact same things you do: safety, fairness, freedom, their kids. When you find the value under the opinion, you stop arguing and start talking to someone who wants a lot of the same things you want.

3. What do you think we'd actually agree on if we talked it through?

This one flips the whole frame. The default setting of every argument is find the gap. This question hunts for the overlap instead. You'll be surprised how often the answer is "honestly, probably most of it." And once you've established that you agree on 80%, the remaining 20% feels a lot less like a war.

4. What do people on my side get wrong about yours?

This is the trust-builder. You're handing them the microphone and admitting, out loud, that your team might be carrying around some lazy caricatures. It's disarming because it almost never happens. And the answer is genuinely useful. You'll learn exactly which strawmen you've been swinging at, which means you can stop.

5. Is there anything on your side you push back on?

Nobody agrees with their own team 100% of the time. Everybody has a "look, I'm with them on most things, but this part drives me nuts." Inviting that admission does something quietly powerful: it gives the other person permission to be a whole, complicated individual instead of a blind follower. And it models that you can hold a position without swallowing every last talking point that comes with it.

6. What would change your mind?

If the honest answer is "nothing, ever," that's worth knowing. For both of you. But usually, people can name a condition, some piece of evidence or argument that would move them. That's gold. It tells you the conversation is actually a conversation and not a wall, and it invites them to ask you the same thing back.

7. What would a good outcome actually look like to you?

Most arguments are stuck on the how while everyone secretly agrees on the what. Skip ahead. Ask them to describe the world they're trying to build. Their vision may look pretty similar to yours — you're fighting over the map, not the destination.

None of these questions is secretly designed to trick someone into agreeing with you. That's not the point. You can walk away from a conversation like this still completely convinced you're right — and you might be! — and it will still have been worth it, because you'll understand a person rather than see an obstacle.

That's the whole game. Not winning. Understanding. It turns out it's a lot harder to hate someone once you've genuinely heard how they got where they are. And a country full of people who can understand each other, even if they don’t agree 100% of the time, is a country that can still fix things.

So next time you feel that comeback loading, try a question instead. You might not change their mind. But you might just change the temperature of the whole room.

Alex Buscemi can be reached at abuscemi@buildersmovement.org

Art by Matthew Lewis